Totally Realistic Parenting Photos

 

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“I love cleaning our already-clean kitchen with my daughter. Almost as much as I love our matching outfits.”

 

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“I love being able to sit here uninterrupted using my laptop while my son lies quietly, playing with a blue cushion. He would never dream of wrestling the laptop from me and having a tantrum until he was able to watch Madagascar.”

 

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“My little toddler is such a good girl, sitting quietly without making a noise while I have this important work call. She would never try to scribble on my work notebook or grab the phone to yell ‘I DID A BIG POO POO’… Never.”

 

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“I know sweetie… Toilet training is SO enjoyable and SO much fun! Let’s re-live these happy feelings by holding on as long as possible to this germ-encrusted toilet seat… together.”

 

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“It’s so easy doing my makeup and putting on my mascara while my toddler calmly observes without reaching out to grab anything. She would never dream of causing irreversal ocular damage by piercing my eyeball with the mascara wand.”

 

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“Hey, look at this tower that we clean, tidy and racially diverse toddlers just made by sharing our toys and cooperating together. Let’s not knock it down ever!”

 

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“I love sharing these headphones with my best toddler friend. I would never use them to try to strangle him/her. Let’s just lie on this pristine white carpet and share. I love sharing.”

 

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“Yes Mummy, I love it when you use the shower spray so that the water stays inside the bath and there are no splashes on the bathroom floor.  I definitely won’t grab the shower and spray you up the nose / hit you in the eye / swing it around like an Olympic hammer throw.  I love you.”

 

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“I love grocery shopping with my kids! They always stay close to the shopping trolley, which only has healthy, fresh green produce in it. They never lunge and grab for low-lying sugar-laden crap. They always do what I say. I’m so happy.”

 

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“That’s right darling… You’re so clever taking fruit from the top of this precariously build-up pile – never from the bottom, because otherwise the pile would collapse and all the fruit would fall on the floor, bruise, then roll in all directions out of your reach, all while shocked shoppers stared at you because you used the F-word… More than once.”

 

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“See Mum how good I am at calmly sitting still, mouth open so that you can easily brush my teeth without having to use a half nelson.”

 

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“My son loves watering just the plants with such accuracy so that no water ever gets on my clothes. Oh, and his sister is perfectly happy to just watch and never tries to grab the watering can / wrestle him onto the flower beds / fake tears or waterboarding for sympathy. My children are so clean. Gardening bliss.”

 

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“My little angle is so cute in the kitchen rolling pastry on the neatly circumscribed floured area. She would never smash the heavy rolling pin down on the glass bowl(s) in the foreground.”

 

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“Our family loves making dishes with tomatoes in our all-white clothes.”

 

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“My little baby is so cute smearing it on my nose, and not in my hair/ ear/ eye. She would never attempt a frontal lobotomy with a forceful finger up my nose.”

 

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“Don’t be silly darling, of course Mummy knows what she’s cutting. She doesn’t need to look.”

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