OK. So the kid is nearly 18 months (and thank goodness approaching an age when we can stop counting in months)… For some reason I find that insanely annoying.
We’ve pretty much stuffed him into all existing clothing and shoes but unfortunately we’ve reached a point that if we don’t buy him some new stuff, he will look like The Incredible Hulk.
The only thing I hate more than regular shopping (sorry to the guys out there, I’m already married), is shopping in kiddie stores. Who knew there was a whole world of stuff out there that you don’t need, that costs you quadruple the amount of the yearly wage of the poor ethnic worker who made it.
So online shopping it was… And I was able to learn which ‘toddler essentials’ are really, well, essential.
1. Matching mother and child slippers, because “these gorgeous organic hand-made slippers are perfect for Mum lounging at home, and for baby wriggling those toes”.
- Organic… Hand-made… Danger bells
- Mum lounging around… Obviously the person who wrote this is not a real mother
- And being medically trained and all, I can GUARANTEE that a child can wriggle their toes without the aid of organic hand-made slippers. In fact, amazingly, they can do it barefoot. Which is free. Which makes barefoot awesome.
2. Toddler sandals, which are “organic, safe for the environment, and perfect for weekend casual wear”.
- How unsafe can a toddler sandal be to the environment – does it go postal with a chainsaw and cut down protected forests or what?
- I’m glad however they’re perfect for weekend casual wear, but damn I’m going to have to get another pair for his business meetings.
3. School lunch boxes, because “the holiday period is the perfect time to re-vamp and re-new your child’s lunch box” with options that are “sparkalicious, funky for the retro Mum, organic (of course!), make toting lunch a pleasure, and are guaranteed to help your little prince be the talk of the playground”.
- Guaranteed to help your little prince be severely beaten, you mean…
- The cheapest options start at AUD$40
- My lunchbox was a plain tupperware which more than adequately transported my lunch. It also allowed me to survive without a hint of funky sparkaliciousness. And for that I thank God daily.
4. Gorgeous sun hats, that are “essential for the little men in our life” with options for animal decorations that flip into other types of animals, and special patterns for rock gods” ensuring that “it has never been so easy to be cool in summer”.
- Tip for young players… toddlers don’t feel the need to be cool. They just want to destroy things (cutely described as ‘play’)
- If you have tried keeping a hat on a toddler’s head and keeping it ‘clean’ you will realise that (1) It will get lost (2) It will get covered in by-products of environmental exposure as well as excessive amounts of human secretions (mainly nose, but whatever goes), therefore it is not worth paying AUD$50 for said hat
- Better to get a sheet of cardboard and attach to head with a large headband.
In the end I caved (mainly because his toes were going to break in his current shoes) and bought him a pair of sandals. If it’s cold he can wear them with socks*. It’s payback for all the sleepless nights.
* Worryingly, if you search “Toddler with Socks and Sandals” there is a huge amount of discussion out there about ‘whether it should be allowed’, ‘possible psychological fallout’ and ‘whether we are failing our kids’. My answer… that these parents have already failed their kids… by having them.