How to combat sleep deprivation

When you’re pregnant/ a new parent, the hormones mess with your mind, and you think it’s a good idea to enter the competition for the $3,000 stroller. Unbeknownst to you however this is just a clever ploy to put you on an email mailing list that will send you updates about irrelevant crap FOREVER.

Today I was lucky to get ‘expert’ advice on ‘how to combat sleep deprivation’:

1. Get comfortable (lie on your side and use a pillow under your head/ between your legs/ to hug). Dare I point out the obvious? That it’s not lack of the fricken pillow causing my sleep deprivation…

2. Nap during the day and “wearing baby in a sling will help you to get food ready and do the housework”. Hahahahaha, still laughing.

3. Eat well and exercise because “sometimes pregnant women will wake in the night because their unborn baby needs food”. Er, no. Pregnant women wake at night because (1) They need to pee (2) They are generally uncomfortable and the pillow (see point 1) doesn’t help (3) Reflux (to be treated with Gaviscon) (4) Baby kicking (5) Pelvic pain  (6) Restless legs (7) Just because.

4. Share sleep ins with your partner. You should “give your partner a couple of extra hours of sleep in the morning while you’re up with the hungry child” (seriously WTF? I thought I was the one who needed more sleep?!) “and then he can return the favour next time”. Good lucky getting daddy-o to flop out his boob for the hungry child.

5. Raise your oxytocin levels by “kissing, cuddling, love-making, having a hot bath”. Because nothing says I love you like a postpartum, sleep-deprived wreck of a body.

6. Keep warm because “being too hot will prevent you from sleeping”. Someone needs to explain that warm is similar to, but a lesser version than, hot (ie. opposite to cool/cold).

7. “Keep baby close“. They say that like we have a choice, and also largely miss the point that it is the BABY causing the sleep deprivation. I would have thought having the baby FAR AWAY would have helped more… But that’s just me. Crazy.

Points 1-7 are well-meaning but mostly useless.

Only one thing will help you combat sleep deprivation…. Don’t have a child. Ever.

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