1. How is it that the baby’s butt is only a short distance from the nappy and yet bowel openings result in payload deposited over a very wide area (back, crack, sack, and on bad days, beyond the confines of the nappy)? Either the poo is ejected at an extreme angle OR at an extreme speed. Or both.
2. Why does baby poo look like mustard when they haven’t eaten any mustard?
(I guess the same reason people vomit up carrots after drinking, when they’ve not eaten any carrots).
3. How happy you are when they finally smile at you. How quickly that happiness disappears when they follow with a massive fart and/or poo. You realise that the smile was gas, not love. But it’s OK, you’ll take it. It was a smile after all.
4. Anyone that designs a baby onesie with more than 3 buttons at the crotch (we have one with 12 buttons) needs a lobotomy.
5. If your baby has constipation, put him/her on a table with no nappy on. Explosive bowel opening will follow. Please note this will not work if baby is wearing a nappy UNLESS you have also fully dressed him in the stupid onesie in point 4).
6. If your baby is having trouble burping, put him/her over your shoulder while wearing your best top. Not only will you get a massive burp, but if you’re lucky, you will also get a massive milk spew. Please note that if you try to anticipate the spew and put a burping cloth on one shoulder, the baby will do an evasive manoeuvre similar to a kamikaze lemming and end up spewing on the other (cloth-free) shoulder.
7. Before baby existed, you would make sure you looked half decent before you went out. Now, if the baby spews on you just as you’re heading out the door, it’s OK to dab at milk spew on your clothes and tell yourself that no one will notice. (If someone does notice, roll your eyes like they’re stupid, and tell them it’s part of the clothing design).
8. In an Einstein-like moment, you realise that time is actually passing much faster than modern-day scientists believe… otherwise why would feed-burp-change-shower-wash-nappies take a whole day? Stephen Hawking take note.
9. New mothers either look (1) Like supermodels (2) Homeless. It depends on the day really. There doesn’t seem to be much in between.
10. People are always going to say that your baby is too big/small, fat/thin, dark/pale, etc. You learn to fight the urge to tell them that they’re ugly/ fat/ stupid and that the only problem your baby has is being too intelligent and ridiculously good-looking.
11. Milk coma + half-unzipped onesie = instant Elvis.
Mums (and Dads) out there… what other things have I missed?