I was reading a well-known pregnancy mag, and the following things struck me as being quite funny/ ridiculous:
1. Advertisement for breast pump
Why Jane, mother of Bob, uses XXX breast pump…
“As a working mum, I love my breast pump… (goes on to discuss benefits of breast pump)… plus I know that Henry can continue to enjoy my breast milk even though I’m back at work”.
Obviously using the breast pump doesn’t help her remember her own child’s name…
2. Clothing tip
“Tankinis and one-piece swimsuits protect a growing belly. Go for stretchy but supportive fabrics.”
Protect how? In case of a car accident, fall from height, people pointing and laughing at you by the pool? They need to be more specific.
Also, if the fabric is stretchy yet supportive, I think we have to be wearing something like 2XU… Yeah, good luck getting THAT onto your pregnant body…
3. Advice regarding stretch marks
“Stretch marks may develop because your skin is stretching at a rapid rate. Keep hydrated and moisturised to help prevent them.”
As mentioned previously, stretch marks will almost definitely develop and if keeping hydrated was enough to prevent them, no-one would have them. WHY GIVE FALSE HOPE?! Check out my previous post regarding stretch marks.
4. Advice on exercise
“To combat the heat and puffy skin, make sure you engage in regular gentle exercise – make sure you monitor your heart rate so it stays below 150 beats per minute.”
I don’t know about you, but exercise to combat the heat? Your body temp RISES with exercise… And again, old school advice on keeping your heart rate low during exercise in pregnancy. Check out my previous entry on exercise in pregnancy here.
5. Skin changes
“You may notice a brown line from the belly button to the pubic bone. This is called the linea nigra and the extra pigmentation is causing by pregnancy hormones producing extra melanin. Use SPF50 sunscreen, cover up with BB cream, and a skin brightening cream may also help.”
Firstly, the linea nigra is a normal part of pregnancy, why cover up? Secondly, why not use their advice in point #2 – wear a tankini, rather than APPLYING MAKEUP TO YOUR GUT. Get a grip, seriously…
6. Your hospital bag
Here are some recommended items (I kid you not…):
Eye mask $100
Cosmetic wallet $70
(and my favourite…) Overnight bag $1200
OK I know this MAY seem a bit pricey, but I have a solution… buy the stuff, birth the kid, then sell the kid on the black market to pay for the hospital bag and contents. Easy peasy.
7. Baby clothes
Baby pyjamas for $70
I thought they forgot the decimal point for a sec… but no. Like the items in #6 weren’t enough, now we are meant to pay $70 for something that will inevitably be covered in vomit. Why not shell out $7 for a couple of burping cloths, sew them together to make a sack.. bub won’t know the difference. And with your sleep deprivation, neither will you.
8. Cupboard locks
“Prevent fingers being jammed in cupboards.”
Back in my day (yes, all that time ago!), learning went like this:
– Child (jams fingers in cupboard door), has a little wah wah
– Child learns (oooh, novel concept)
– Next time, child takes care not to jam fingers in cupboard door
But just call me old fashioned…
9. Sleeping and breast feeding pillows
For the bargain basement price of $165
I have a better idea, from their website Target have 13 pillows under $10. Buy 16 of those pillows, sew them end-to-end, and the resulting item not only functions as a pregnancy sleeping/ breast feeding pillow, but also as a useful item to smother yourself if you start thinking about dropping $165 on a pillow you’re going to use for less than 9 months… That even leaves you $5… that’s 1/240th of your overnight bag cost!
10. Advert for stroller
“For a better life.”
Darn, if only I had known it was so easy to have a better life. We bought a different stroller model… obviously we’re now cursed with “a worse life”.
11. Food allergies in babies and children
“Food allergies are becoming increasingly common so you should refrain from giving them the following foods (followed by list of some 234,643,345 foods, give or take)”.
You’re right, because how can a kid have allergies to food when he’s dead from starvation.
Also read an interesting study that found “that in groups of children labelled as ‘allergic’, most of them did not have a significant history or lab findings of food allergy… an important reminder that many children are placed on restricted diets with little or no evidence of food allergies”.
12. Last but not least… new mother’s recommended gear for first day out with baby:
I’m not joking when I say you can’t even see the swimsuit in the accompanying picture… closer inspection of the item list says “swimsuit, worn underneath”. OK, so now you want me to fork out $240 on a swimsuit I can’t even see. I’m feeling very Emperor’s New Clothes here…
Fleischer DM et al. Oral food challenges in children in with a diagnosis of food allergy. J Pediatr 2011 Apr; 158:578.e1