So I was reading through some of the ‘baby email alerts’ I now get, looking for inspiration, and I find this… “Be a whiz with the housework”.

Ho-lee crap. Seriously, I was just teleported back into a Mad Men episode, the only thing missing is someone telling me: Go get your smoke on and down a bottle of wine.

Anyway, here are some life-changing tips for how to do your housework:

Ensure your partner is playing a role in helping out with the cleaning – if it’s necessary for people to publish articles on how to be a whiz with housecleaning, you can be sure that most husbands aren’t doing as much housework as their Sally Homemaker wives. Forgive me, but housecleaning is not my driving passion, so I can hardly expect my husband to be enthused by it. That being said, mine is very well-trained and does the tasks I hate the most. Eg. Vacuuming, ironing.  In fact I was very smart early on in our relationship and proved to be a ‘terrible ironer’, so bad that we now send out his shirts for a professional to deal with (insert victory sign here).

Set aside time each day to do house cleaning – I don’t know if I can take time away from other enjoyable activities like, ripping my own teeth out.

Your house is unlikely to look like something out of a magazine – seriously, do people need to be told this? If you haven’t realised by the time you’re having a kid that ‘magazine-world’ is not real, then you’re a few screws loose and your kid is in big trouble.

How to polish the kettle, as this item is a focal point in a kitchen – I don’t have anything for this suggestion, except letting the author know that CRACK IS WACK. Besides which as we know, food is the focal point in the kitchen. Food is in fact the focal point of my life.

Empty your bins on a regular basis – if the laws of commonsense were to prevail (apparently not so much in the world of pregnancy and babies), one would realise that when the rubbish bin gets full, one empties it. My cat knows it and would do it (if only he had opposable thumbs).

The article goes on, but I can’t in case I spontaneously combust (I’m not sure whether from disgust, laughing or the sheer ridiculousness of it all)…

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